


It's a Wonderful Life (or the one where Buck learns how beautiful life really is)

by sccfan4ever



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28380804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sccfan4ever/pseuds/sccfan4ever
Summary: After a few minutes of silence, Jacob asked, “Do you really think that things would be better if you killed yourself?”“No, you’re probably right,” Buck sighed. “I wish I’d never been born!”“That…” Jacob paused. “That could actually work. It’s unorthodox, but…” He smiled brightly at Buck. “You got your wish. You’ve never been born.”
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Original Character(s), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 110





	It's a Wonderful Life (or the one where Buck learns how beautiful life really is)

**Author's Note:**

> Buck contemplates suicide in this story. He doesn't go through with it, but the thoughts are there. Read with caution.
> 
> I don't know if it's accurate, do just suspend your disbelief.

Buck slammed the door behind him and threw his bag on the floor.

“Hey, man, is everything alright?” Eddie asked, coming out from the hallway. One look at Buck’s haggard appearance gave him the answer.

“Yeah, fine,” Buck snapped.

“Come on, Buck.” Eddie grabbed Buck’s hand and pulled him into the kitchen. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I said I’m fine.”

“Buck-”

“Where’s Chris?”

Eddie opened the cupboard to get a glass and fill it with water. “He’s in his room. He’s not feeling great, I need to take this to him.” 

“Wait, he’s sick? What’s wrong with him?” Buck asked.

“His teacher sent him home early from school. He had just a bit of a fever, 99.1. He’ll be fine with rest and plenty of fluids,” Eddie reassured him.

Buck took the glass of water from Eddie’s hand and grabbed a straw. “I’ll take it to him,” he said.

Eddie nodded.

Buck knocked gently on Christopher’s door before pushing it open. Chris smiled at him from the bed, and Buck couldn’t help but smile back. “Hey, Superman,” he said.

“Hi, Buck.”

“What do you have there, Buddy?”

“I made this for you at school today,” Chris answered. “Do you like it?”

Buck sat down on the edge of the bed next to Chris. He handed the boy the glass of water to drink and took the drawing from his hands. He smiled at the little picture of their family. “I love it! You did an awesome job.”

Chris smiled, but it wasn’t as bright as usual.

“Try to get some sleep, Chris,” Buck whispered.

“Okay,” Chris whispered back. He closed his eyes and settled down. Buck pulled his blanket up and placed a kiss on his forehead. The slight fever worried him, but Eddie was probably right. “I love you, kid,” Buck whispered.

Eddie was on the phone when Buck got back out to the living room. “He’s fine, thank you, Ms. Flores,” Eddie said into the phone.

Buck’s anger flared again. Who does this woman think she is? He grabbed the phone out of Eddie’s hand. “Hi, Ms. Flores?” he snapped.

Eddie tried to grab the phone back but Buck held him back. “It’s Buck, Christopher’s other dad. What the hell did you do at school? You should be more careful to make sure your students don’t get sick on your watch.”

“BUCK!” Eddie tried and failed to get Buck’s attention.

“I can assure you-”

"I don't need your assurances, I need my son to be okay. You couldn't even do that."

“BUCK!” Eddie managed to get the phone out of Buck’s hand. “Ms. Flores, I’m so sorry-” Eddie stared at Buck. “She hung up.”

“Good,” Buck snapped.

Eddie shook his head. “What’s wrong, Buck?” he asked again. “Did something happen at work?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Buck snapped. “Coming here was a mistake.” He grabbed his car keys and slammed the door behind him.

Eddie blinked back tears and called Athena.

*****

Buck ended up at a bar he’d never been to before. He drank and drank like had nothing to live for. “It’s not like anyone would really miss me,” he thought. 

That thought wouldn’t leave his head when he stumbled out of the bar. He got into his car but thought better of it. “If I drive, someone might get hurt,” he thought. So he left his keys and his car and wandered away.

His wandering led him to a bridge. Not a big bridge or one in a highly populated area, but one that was certainly high enough to do the trick. Especially being over water.

He couldn’t wait long or someone might see and call 9-1-1. He can’t do that to anyone. No one deserves to live with the guilt of losing someone who can’t be saved.

Suddenly, someone fell into the water. “HELP!” they screamed. Buck didn’t hesitate. Immediately he jumped in and swam over to the struggling man. He pulled the man out of the water.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” the man replied. “What about you?”

Buck didn’t answer the question. “We should get you somewhere warm,” he said instead.

The man didn’t say anything in response, but he followed Buck to a small cabin nearby.

*****

“Do you have a name?” Buck asked the man. The small cabin was abandoned, but quickly warming up. The heater was very efficient.

“I’m Jacob. I’m your guardian angel.”

“Buck. And that sounds like bullshit. If you're an angel, where are your wings?"

Jacob shrugged. "I haven't earned my wings yet."

Buck rolled his eyes, then winced and massed his bad leg. “Bad accident a couple of years ago. It still bothers me sometimes.”

“Ladder truck. I know,” Jacob said.

Buck looked at the other man. “So... why did you jump?” 

“Hmmm?”

“Why did you jump off the bridge?”

“I did it to save you.”

Buck huffed out a laugh. “That makes no sense.”

Jacob tilted his head. “You didn’t go through with it, so I’d say I succeeded with that goal.”

Buck looked up again. “I didn’t go through with what?”

“Suicide.”

Buck bit his lip and glanced at the floor.

“I know you, Buck. I knew that if I jumped in, you would save me.” Jacob said. 

“Well, congratulations, you guessed correctly.”

After a few minutes of silence, Jacob asked, “Do you really think that things would be better if you killed yourself?” 

“No, you’re probably right,” Buck sighed.

Jacob smiled. This was going to be easier than he thought.

“It would be better for everyone if I’d never been born,” Buck mumbled.

“Wait, what?” The angel couldn’t believe what he heard. Nevermind the easy thought. 

“I said I wish I’d never been born!” 

“That…” Jacob paused. “That could actually work. It’s unorthodox, but…” He smiled brightly at Buck. “You got your wish. You’ve never been born.”

“What?”

“Evan Buckley doesn’t exist. You were never born. You are nobody.”

Buck shook his head. “You’re crazy,” he said. “That’s impossible.”

“You’ve been given a great gift, Buck,” Jacob said. “Few people get a chance to see what the world would be like without them.”

“Yeah, yeah, as soon as my clothes are dry I'm getting out of here,” Buck grumbled.

“The clothes are dry.”

Buck grabbed his clothes with surprise. “Uhhh… Okay, yeah… Let’s get out of here.” He jumped up and winced out of habit. “Huh. My leg doesn’t hurt at all anymore.”

“Of course it doesn’t,” Jacob replied.

“Okay, let’s just walk back to my car and I’ll drop you off wherever you need to go,” Buck said. “I’ve definitely sobered up enough to drive safely.”

“Lead the way, Buck.”

*****

Buck’s car was gone. “That’s what I get for leaving my keys in an unlocked car,” Buck groaned.

“Buck, you don’t have a car anymore.”

“Of course I do. I’m just gonna call an Uber.” 

Buck’s phone didn’t work. “The water must have ruined it,” he muttered. “I’ll see if someone inside will let me borrow theirs.” He disappeared inside the bar.

Buck came back outside after a few minutes. “Should be here in a minute.”

“So where are we going first?” Jacob asked as the Uber driver pulled up.

Buck gave the driver an address. “I need to talk to Bobby.”

Jacob pressed his mouth shut. Buck needed to find out everything on his own.

*****

Buck knocked desperately on the front door of the Grant-Nash house. Nobody was home. Buck kicked at the ground as he walked back.

From where he was leaning against the car, Jacob spoke up. “You wouldn’t have found him there anyway, Buck.”

“Shut up, Gabriel.”

“It’s Jacob.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Buck gave the Under driver the address of Fire Station 118. “He’s probably still at work.”

*****

The team was out on a call when they arrived at the station. While Buck waited, he noticed that his locker didn’t say “Buckley” anymore. “Who the hell is Summers?” he asked aloud to nobody. 

Finally, the team arrived back at the station. It was the team he had left earlier: Hen and Chim, Roberson, Reyes, and… and no Bobby.

“Chim, where’s Bobby?” Buck grabbed his friend’s arm as he walked past.

Chimney pulled his arm out of Buck’s grasp. “Can I help you, sir?” he asked.

“Chim, it’s me. It’s Buck,” Buck said. “I’m looking for Bobby. I just need to talk to him. He wasn’t at his house and then I remembered that he should still be on shift and-”

“Sir, if you don’t have an immediate emergency you need to leave,” Hen said.

“Hen!"

Chim and Hen glanced at each other. “Captain Jones, can you come here?” Hen called.

A man that Buck had never met before appeared in front of him. Buck’s friends disappeared as quickly as the captain had appeared. 

“What can I do for you, sir?” Captain Jones asked.

“Is Captain Nash not stationed here anymore?” Buck asked hesitantly.

“Robert Nash?” the man asked. Buck nodded. “Captain Nash was relieved of duty over three years ago after his alcoholism began to interfere with his job. You’ll find him at his apartment.”

“His-” Buck cut himself off. “Thanks.” He went back outside to where Jacob was waiting for him.

"Why isn't Bobby still the captain? He got the alcoholism under control," Buck asked. 

"You weren't there to check in on him when he relapsed," Jacob answered.

"But Hen… she's still here."

"She didn't go alone. You weren't there to go with her."

"I… I need to talk to Maddie. I don't know what you did to everyone in they're, but Maddie will remember me."

Jacob took a deep breath. "You're not going to find her, Buck," he said. 

"Why not?"

"She didn't have any reason to come to Los Angeles when she left Doug because you weren't here. She remained on the run until he caught up with her. She didn't have anyone or anything to fight to come back to, and she died next to him."

Buck’s entire body slumped. "Mads," he whispered. 

"I'm sorry, Buck, but it's the truth," Jacob said.

The fire alarm rang behind them, bells ringing out loudly.

Jacob smiled. "It's someone's lucky day. Every time a bell rings, an angel earns their wings."

"That sounds like some bullshit that you just made up."

The team drove away, sirens blaring.

"If Maddie isn't here, then I need to talk to Eddie," Buck continued with the conversation from before.

Jacob grimaced. 

"Please…" Buck pleaded. "Please tell me he's alright. And Chris. Please."

"You're not going to like it, Buck," Jacob said. 

"Jacob, I need to know," Buck insisted.

"Then let's go." Jacob got back in the car, and Buck followed him. Their Uber driver was a Saint for putting up with all their travels. 

*****

The car arrived at the city jail. "What the hell are we doing here, Jacob?" Buck asked.

"You wanted to see Eddie, didn't you?" Jacob replied. 

Buck pulled Jacob out of the car. "Eddie's in jail?" 

"You weren't there to help pull him out of the street fighting. His anger continued to escalate and he actually killed someone in a fight. He got quite the sentence and lost custody of Christopher."

Buck frantically searched his wallet for the little drawing Chris had made him earlier that day. "Where’s Chris?" Buck whispered, afraid to even hear the answer. 

"El Paso. With his grandparents."

Buck blinked back tears. 

"You really lived a wonderful life, Buck. You have touched so many lives. You've helped so many people."

It was all too much. Buck grabbed Jacob by the shirt and slammed him against the car. "I'm tired of this fucking game, Jacob. I-"

"Sir, back away from the man with your hands on your head," a familiar voice called out to him. 

Buck whirled around. "Athena!" he cried. "Please tell me you remember me!"

"I remember hearing from my friend that you were acting sketchy and someone needed to keep an eye on you," Athena replied. She lowered her gun and brought out her handcuffs. 

Before she had a chance to use them, Buck shoved her away and stole the car from the ever patient Uber driver. He couldn't take it anymore. 

Buck ended up back at the bridge where he met Jacob. He slumped over the railing, sobbing. "Please. I want to live again. I didn't get it before. I'll- I'll do whatever it takes. Just please let me live again." 

Buck stood there for some time. Could have been seconds, could have been minutes, could have been hours. He wasn't sure anymore. 

"Buck? Are you okay sweetheart?" Athena asked.

"Don't even think-" Buck yelled. Then he froze. He blinked. "Athena?" he whispered. "You know me?"

"Of course I do, Buckaroo," she replied. "Are you okay?"

"I'm…" Buck's voice cracked. "Yeah, I'm okay. I'm good. Yeah. Yeah."

"Do you need a ride home?"

Buck nodded as tears of joy streamed down his face. He barely noticed Athena sending a text before they left.

Buck jumped out of Athena's car before it even came to a complete stop. "Eddie!" he yelled, running up to his best friend's house. "Eddie!"

Eddie wasn't there, but Pepa was. "Where's Eddie?" he demanded.

"He's out looking for you, Buck," she answered. 

"Buck!"

"Chris!" Buck ran to the boy and pulled him into a tight hug. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel much better!" Chris said with a huge smile. 

"His fever broke an hour ago. He's just fine," Pepa clarified.

Then Buck heard the voice he had been desperate to hear for a long time.

"Buck?"

"Eddie!" Buck scooped Chris onto his back and ran down the hall to where Eddie was. Eddie pulled him into a tight hug and didn't let go, even when Buck tried to pull away. 

When he finally did pull away, he pulled Buck's face down for a kiss. 

"I'm so sorry; Eddie," Buck whispered, resting his forehead against Eddie's. 

"We need to talk about all this, but for now I just need to know one thing," Eddie said. "Are you good?"

Buck nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, Eddie, I'm good."

Eddie's smile took up his entire face. He pulled Buck into the living room and kissed him again. 

Buck pulled away long enough to say, "I need to call Maddie-"

"In a minute, Buck," Eddie interrupted, kissing him again. 

"Look." Chris pointed to a piece of paper sitting on the coffee table. Buck reached over and picked it up.

In perfect cursive, Buck read, 

Dear Buck,  
Remember, no man is a failure who has friends.  
Thanks for the wings!  
Jacob

"Who's Jacob?" Eddie asked.

Buck smiled. "He's a very dear friend of mine."

Chris grabbed Eddie's phone and played a simple ringing sound. 

"What's that for, Buddy?"

"Ms. Flores told us that every time a bell rings, an angel gets their wings," Chris answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

Buck smiled at his son. "That's right, Superman," he said. Then he turned his gaze upward. "Attaboy, Jacob."

Life wouldn't always be easy. Buck knew there would still be days where he felt like giving up. 

But as long as he has people who love him, he'll be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> I can't say I'm proud of this fic, but here it is.
> 
> One of these days I'll write something that isn't a blatant rip-off...


End file.
